My Boyfriend Lies About Where He Is

The Story

My boyfriend tells me he's at home playing cards with his friends. Then I hear from someone else that they actually went to bars or clubs. I don't mind him going out, and I've already told him that. What hurts is finding out that the location he gave me wasn't true.

We've been together for four years. When I ask why he hides where he's really going, he says he was afraid I'd get upset. I've explained that going out itself isn't the problem, but after another weekend with his friends, I find myself having the same conversation all over again.

It's even more frustrating because there are so many good things about our relationship. I don't want to spend every night checking up on him or asking his friends what happened.

Cast Your Vote

Why might he say he is somewhere other than where he really is?

He may be trying to avoid an argument.He may not take the importance of honesty seriously, even if cheating has nothing to do with it.He may be deliberately hiding something important.

What's Your Take?

Perspectives from the Lumieny editorial team

If he said he was playing cards at home and you later learned he was at a club, that's not privacy. It's a false answer. You've already explained that going out isn't a problem, so when he keeps lying, even ordinary conversations become harder to trust. I'd be upset too.

He may have developed a habit of avoiding conflict even when there wouldn't actually be an argument. Perhaps an earlier experience makes him expect a bad reaction. That doesn't make lying acceptable, but I'd still want to understand why telling the truth feels difficult to him.

What worries me is that they've already had this conversation more than once. If he knows the dishonesty hurts her but keeps giving the same false explanation, another apology won't solve it. At some point, his willingness to change matters more than his reasons.

Partners don't need to report every stop they make. Spending an evening with friends shouldn't require a running itinerary. They can agree on what to share and when. But that agreement should make it easier to be honest, not become an excuse for inventing a location.

I'd separate what has been confirmed from what I'm afraid of. Did he clearly say he was home? Is the conflicting information reliable? Has this happened repeatedly? You can expect honesty without assuming infidelity. I'd then look at whether he acknowledges the contradiction and gives accurate answers after they talk.

What do you think?

Statistics

Is Lying About Spending Time With Someone Else Considered Cheating?

Yes80

No20

In a September 2022 YouGov survey of 2,000 U.S. adults, 80% said that lying about spending time with another person in a monogamous relationship counted as cheating, while 20% said it did not.

YouGov · September 15–22, 2022 · 2,000 U.S. adults · Question 7 View original

Other People’s Experiences

He Said He Had Fallen Asleep at Home

I called my boyfriend one evening, but he didn't answer. I texted and asked him to call when he had a chance. After waiting, I looked at the location we share on our phones. It appeared that he was somewhere about twenty minutes away from his home.

A few hours later, he called me back. He said he'd fallen asleep on the couch and had been home the entire evening. That didn't match the location I'd seen.

I know a phone's location display is one piece of information, but I couldn't understand why his answer and the map were different. He knew we had location sharing turned on. I felt unsettled and asked other people how I should talk to him about it.

One commenter suggested asking him directly about the discrepancy rather than guessing what it meant. I said I would speak with him when I saw him. I didn't post a later outcome.

Reddit · r/relationship_advice · September 24, 2023 View original · Summarized and adapted from a publicly shared account.

What Happened Next?

She Learned He Was Volunteering, but They Eventually Broke Up

A 24-year-old woman discovered that her boyfriend's claim of working every weekend did not match what a coworker told her. When she confronted him, he said he'd actually been volunteering at a homeless shelter. She joined him there, and people at the shelter confirmed that he regularly helped out.

They talked again about the years of misleading explanations and their lack of weekend time together. She asked him to make more time for their relationship and attend therapy. He offered a different compromise but would not agree to a therapy session. In a December 2023 update, she said they had talked over dinner and ended their three-year relationship.

Reddit · u/ThrowRA_BFDisappears · November–December 2023 updates · View original updates · Summarized and adapted from a publicly shared account.

Expert Perspectives

The Gottman Institute describes honesty, transparency, and accountability as important qualities to consider in a relationship. It also distinguishes privacy from secrecy. Everyone needs personal boundaries, but partners should be able to ask ordinary questions and receive truthful answers.

Applied here, a boyfriend's decision to go out with friends is not automatically a problem. But giving a false answer about where he is raises a separate concern. They can talk about why he is reluctant to tell the truth and whether he is willing to change this recurring pattern.

That doesn't mean a girlfriend is entitled to read every message or receive constant location updates. The real question is whether both partners can respect reasonable privacy while still trusting each other's answers. These principles don't reveal his motives, and concealing a trip to a bar is not by itself proof of infidelity.

The Gottman Institute · Am I Too Traumatized to Be in a Relationship? View original · Summarized and adapted from the cited source.

A Moment to Reflect

You don't need a real-time report of every place your partner visits. Privacy matters in a relationship, and going to a bar with friends isn't automatically wrong. But choosing not to share every detail is different from claiming to be somewhere you aren't.

If you bring this up, focus on what you can verify: what he told you, what you learned later, and whether it has happened before. Ask what an honest answer could look like the next time he goes out. Listen to what he says, then see whether his behavior actually changes.

You may be tempted to check more details in search of certainty. But the bigger question is whether a relationship can work without one person becoming an investigator. Honesty should be something you experience over time, not something you have to prove every weekend.