Why Doesn't My Boyfriend Like PDA?

The Story

My boyfriend is really affectionate when it's just the two of us. But as soon as we're out in public, he acts differently. When I reach for his hand while we're walking, he pulls his hand away. And around his friends, he seems uncomfortable even standing close to me.

At first, I figured he was just shy. But it keeps happening, and it's starting to bother me. It's not like I'm asking him to make some huge romantic gesture in front of everyone. I just want to walk around holding hands.

Does he just not like showing affection in public? Or does he not want other people to know we're together? Am I making too much of this?

Cast Your Vote

Why do you think he avoids PDA?

He may be uncomfortable with PDA or worried about others’ reactions.He may not want to show the relationship publicly.They have different needs and boundaries around affection.

What's Your Take?

Perspectives from the Lumieny editorial team

It hurts when someone who cuddles with you at home pulls away the moment other people can see. She isn't asking him to kiss her in front of a crowd. She's asking why even holding hands feels off-limits. I would want to talk about that difference instead of pretending it doesn't affect me.

Not everyone enjoys physical affection in public. Some people feel exposed, watched, or simply uncomfortable, even when they deeply care about their partner. Holding hands might feel ordinary to her but intrusive to him. I wouldn't judge how much someone loves me by whether they're comfortable touching me in front of strangers.

I would pay attention to where he draws the line. If he is affectionate around strangers but pulls away whenever his own friends appear, that difference deserves a conversation. It doesn't prove he's ashamed of his girlfriend, but she shouldn't have to guess forever about why the setting changes his behavior.

I think a boundary can depend on the social setting without being dishonest. My family is more reserved about affection, while some of my friends are comfortable with it. I would rather agree on what feels natural at different gatherings than pressure a partner into holding hands just to reassure me.

Both people get a say here. She can explain why an occasional handhold helps her feel connected, and he can explain what feels uncomfortable and when. Neither has to accept unwanted touch. The useful question is whether they can find an arrangement they both genuinely agree to rather than turning every outing into a test.

What do you think?

Statistics

How Comfortable Are People With Public Displays of Affection?

Very comfortable32

Somewhat comfortable29

Somewhat uncomfortable14

Very uncomfortable5

Don't know3

No partner17

In a September 22, 2021 YouGov survey of 7,134 U.S. adults, 32% felt very comfortable showing affection to a partner in public and 29% somewhat comfortable. Another 14% felt somewhat uncomfortable and 5% very uncomfortable, totaling 19%. Three percent were unsure, while 17% said they had no partner. The survey measured general attitudes, not a particular boyfriend's motives.

YouGov US · September 22, 2021 · 7,134 U.S. adults View original

Other People’s Experiences

He's Affectionate in Private but Keeps His Distance in Public

I'm in my early 40s, and a man I've grown close to is kind and attentive when we're together. We both have children, and our time alone is limited. Recently, we acknowledged that our feelings had become romantic. When we do get time together in private, he can be affectionate, although he often needs time before feeling comfortable with touch.

Outside, it feels very different. He stays physically distant even while being thoughtful in other ways. I would love to hold his hand or touch his cheek now and then, but I sense that he would find it uncomfortable. He has told me that he dislikes being touched and needs considerable space.

I haven't raised my wish for public affection because I'm afraid it might push him away. I care about him deeply, but I also feel lonely when I hold back. How can I talk about needing some closeness without asking him to cross his boundaries?

The Guardian · August 2023 View original · Summarized and adapted from a publicly shared account.

He Says He Didn't Like Holding Hands With His Exes, Either

So my boyfriend is 31 and I'm 29, and there's something I seriously don't get. At home, he's always hugging me and being super sweet. But the second we're outside, he doesn't want to hold hands.

I'm not asking him to hug and kiss me all over the place in public. I just want to hold his hand sometimes when we're walking. But when I reach for his hand, he pulls away or pushes it away. And when we're out with other couples, they're all holding hands like it's no big deal. Honestly, it makes me feel rejected.

I told him it hurt my feelings. He said he's never liked holding hands, even with his ex-girlfriends, and that I shouldn't take it personally. I get what he's saying. I'm not trying to force him to change. But that doesn't make my feelings disappear, you know? I just don't know what to do with that.

Reddit · r/relationship_advice · June 28, 2019 View original · Summarized and adapted from a publicly shared account.

He Is Affectionate Around Some People but Not His Friends

My boyfriend and I are physically affectionate with each other, and in public around strangers he has no problem holding my hand. But when we're around his friends or some people we know, he changes. If I try to hug him or hold his hand, he asks me not to because he feels uncomfortable.

It isn't the same around everyone. He'll sometimes show affection in front of my friends, especially when their boyfriends are affectionate too. That's what confuses me most. I've tried talking to him about the difference, but he keeps saying that he simply doesn't want to do it in those settings.

I worry that he doesn't want to appear sensitive in front of certain people, although he hasn't said that himself. I don't want to force him into anything. I just want to understand why he feels comfortable holding my hand in one place and uncomfortable doing it somewhere else.

Reddit · r/relationship_advice · February 16, 2022 View original · Summarized and adapted from a publicly shared account.

What Happened Next?

They Talked Through Their Differences and Found a Compromise

A 31-year-old woman said her partner's family had complained about the couple's mild displays of affection during visits. The couple discussed the issue after the visit. He said he enjoyed their small gestures of affection and did not think they were excessive, but he also wanted to avoid conflict with his family. They agreed to limit physical affection during family visits and shorten how long they stayed. The woman described the compromise as imperfect but acceptable for the time being. Her update documents an agreement, not proof that the family's attitude changed.

Reddit · r/relationships · January 10, 2023 View original · Summarized and adapted from a publicly shared account.

Expert Perspectives

In a 2023 Guardian advice column, psychotherapist Philippa Perry discussed a couple who attached different meanings to public affection. She explained that experiences of closeness and personal space can shape what feels reassuring to one person and uncomfortable to another. Her advice focused on discussing those meanings with curiosity rather than assuming that reluctance to touch proves a lack of love.

That distinction matters here. A boyfriend who dislikes holding hands in public may be setting a genuine boundary. At the same time, his partner can feel hurt by the absence of a gesture that helps her feel connected. Rather than guessing whether he is embarrassed or uninterested, they can describe the exact situations, listen to each other's reasons, and decide whether there is a mutually comfortable way to show affection. Agreement matters more than forcing a demonstration for other people.

Philippa Perry · The Guardian · August 2023 View original · Summarized and adapted from the cited source.

A Moment to Reflect

You reach for his hand while you're walking, and he pulls away. What you know for certain is that he didn't want to hold hands in that moment. The thought that he's embarrassed by you or hiding your relationship is still an interpretation, not something you've confirmed.

But even if that interpretation is wrong, it doesn't make your hurt feelings disappear. For you, holding hands might be a reassuring way to feel connected. For him, physical affection in front of other people might feel uncomfortable. Neither person's feelings justify ignoring the other's boundaries.

You can ask him, “Is there a reason holding hands in public makes you uncomfortable? I'd really like us to hold hands sometimes when we walk.” The goal isn't to persuade him to hold your hand. It's to find out whether you can hear each other's needs and discomfort and work out something that feels right to both of you.

You don't have to pressure him into physical contact he doesn't want. At the same time, you can ask yourself whether this relationship requires you to keep setting aside the closeness you need. Understanding each other isn't the same as erasing your own needs.